Have you considered what it'd be like to open up your relationship? From the conversations with your current partner to determining what type of polyamorous relationship you're even interested in — there's much to think about.
We asked a non-monogamous relationship coach to share some tips on what to think about if you and your partner are considering opening your relationship.
Open marriage, polyamorous relationship, swinging — the terminology can feel a little all over the place. Non-monogamous relationship coach Dedeker Winston says the best umbrella term today is consensual non-monogamy or CNM. It's when partners give explicit consent to engage in romantic, intimate, or sexual relationships with multiple people — not to be confused with infidelity.
This part can be overwhelming. Winston says the various relationship structures run the gamut. The most dominant one we see among polyamorous people is called an interconnected dyad.
“People are still in dyadic relationships, but they may have multiple partners and then their partner may have other partners, and it's almost kind of creating this molecule chain,” said Winston who's author of The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory and Multamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships. “If I have two partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are also seeing each other."
In contrast, triads or throuples are typically in a three-person relationship all together.
While the term polyamory typically implies building actual relationships and intimacy, that’s not always at the forefront when opening up a relationship. Swinging is an example where a centralized couple may strictly open up the relationship sexually.
Something that excites a lot of people joining the polyamory community is this ability to customize the experience, Winston said. Couples negotiate and discuss what feels good to each person individually. She encourages people to continue the conversations and be open to updating the relationship agreements as you go.
"I've definitely known some people who maybe started out more as swingers in the lifestyle,” Winston said. “And then they've developed deep friendships or started catching feelings, and then they've kind of blossomed into playing around more with polyamory.”
Couples who want to dip their toes in the water often start their search on dating apps. They may go on the site together with the explicit purpose of trying to find someone to have a threesome or be in a triad with.
The non-monogamous community has deemed this act "unicorn hunting." And it's gotten a bad rap.
"I think because people are tired of couples disregarding their profile when they say that they're not interested, couples being a little bit predatory," Winston said.
Winston said for people who've been monogamous for a long time, this can feel like a safer transition as opposed to jumping straight into dating people separately. Definitely something to consider when figuring out how to start your journey.
People who successfully practice polyamory don’t feel jealousy, right? Not so fast — it's a common misconception when it comes to non-monogamy.
“Jealousy is a human emotion that is impossible to scrub from our psyche, but the relationship to it changes,” Winston said. “Often jealousy can be masking grief, rage, shame, envy. And so I'm always looking at what's going on internally with people.”
Your partner’s other partner would be considered your metamour. Think of it as similar to an in-law relationship, where you don’t choose the person who’s connected to the person you love.
“And just like an in-law relationship, it can run the gamut from absolutely amazing, you love spending time with them, you get along great, to you freaking hate their guts and they get under your skin, to something in the middle,” Winston said.
So if you’re venturing into the world of polyamory – depending on the relationship – metamours can come into picture, for better or worse.
Hear Winston discuss the topic on AirTalk, LAist 89.3's daily news program.
