Megan Tan 0:02

Austin, look what's playing in my car.

Megan Tan 0:04

[singing with other people] I don't wanna go there alone. I don't want to walk through the rain without knowing that I'm headed home. [duck under: I don't wanna get lost under the clouds. I've been searching for the one to guide me. And I think this person has been found.]

Megan Tan 0:20

I am not a singer. But I felt compelled to sing this voice memo message to my dear friend, Austin.

Megan Tan 0:30

[singing along to music] The life in you, the life of me. Run on parallel paths. Though we traveled separately...

Megan Tan 0:40

Is this our-- Is this is our song? [laughs] Oh, so funny.

Megan Tan 0:44

Austin is one of those people who I could go years without talking to. But if we got on the phone, we would pick up exactly where we left off. Like no time had passed.

Megan Tan 0:57

[voice memo message] I put this uh, CD in my- I guess on rotation, and I forgot it was in there and I literally uh, was looking for something to play 'cuz my iPhone to my car doesn't work anymore. So I was like, Oh, let me put in a CD. And then your song comes on! I was like, Yo. In rhythm, in rhythm...

Megan Tan 1:21

[music: I Don't Want to Go There Alone by Austin Fehrenbach] I've known Austin most of my life. We grew up Buddhist and even went to the same performing arts high school. Austin has always been a singer songwriter. And this song I'm listening to is from high school. He wrote and performed it at age 16. I grew up listening to his words, his melodies. And then all of it stopped. [Austin singing: I don't want to ge there alone...]

Megan Tan 2:01

He's tried to pick it up here and there.

Austin Fehrenbach 2:04

Okay, so there is a song that I [theme music begins in background] began, I think it was 2017. It's called Feel the Flame.

Megan Tan 2:11

But he hasn't finished a song in two years. Even when that song, like Feel the Flame, is pretty close to being done. All he has to do is record the vocals. Still, he hit snooze.

Austin Fehrenbach 2:25

I've been sittin' on finishing those vocals and even some of the lyrics for a good year, year and a half. So uh, we're gonna make that happen. We're gonna finish writing, recording vocals, and get it out into the world.

Megan Tan 2:42

You're listening to Snooze, a podcast about things people put off, how they conquer them, but more importantly, how they conquer themselves. And I'm Megan Tan. [music swells] [music out]

Austin Fehrenbach 2:54

[singing] Alarm rings, hit snooze twice, get up late and take a shower, cold as ice. [Megan laughs] Like, it's just like getting ready for school like... [duck under]

Megan Tan 3:20

As Austin is singing this song, I'm trying to imagine him as a kid, running around with one of those plastic toy boombox recorders, the one with the microphone. That's how Austin's love for creating songs started.

Austin Fehrenbach 3:37

[music: Shiny Socks by Kim Kelly Band] So my earliest memory of being surrounded by music, I was probably three-ish? My dad was in a band in Dayton, Ohio, called the Kim Kelly band. It's a jazz band. He's a jazz trumpet player. And I would just sit up under the table sipping on a Shirley Temple and then fall asleep listening to jazz music. [music swells]

Megan Tan 4:05

Throughout his childhood, music was like a cozy blanket. When things got tough, he reached for it.

Austin Fehrenbach 4:14

I think music served the role of therapist, because I'm an only child. Parents, you know, didn't weather the storm or whatever their marriage was, at one point. Um, my mom actually comes out when I'm seven as lesbian, because she didn't even realize it til then. Um, so it's just like a lot of stuff that's going on for a seven, eight-year-old. And music is just maybe more of a distraction than anything else, because I can grab my little two-pound karaoke machine with the attached microphone cord and a blank cassette tape and just belt my little heart out to whatever's on my mind. And that, that was me making songs at that point.

Megan Tan 5:05

Then in fifth grade, Austin was introduced to a singer who would transform him forever.

Austin Fehrenbach 5:13

[music: Always Be My Baby sung by Austin] There was one song in particular, that to this day, is my favorite song in the entire world, no matter the situation. And that's Always Be My Baby, written by the Queen, Mariah Carey herself. [music swells]

Austin Fehrenbach 5:40

So I remember specifically a, a night, an evening, where I'm at a Buddhist meeting, and I'm kind of still young at this point. So I'm not really attending the meeting. I'm up in the homeownerís loft, and I have my um, my Walkman and I just play Always Be My Baby on repeat for the entire one and a half hour duration of that gathering. So that song was probably the beginning of like, okay, I want to be the male Mariah! [music swells- Austin sings: ...because you'll always be my baby.] [music out]

Emma Alabaster 6:32

Snooze will be back after the break.

Emma Alabaster 6:43

[theme music] Now, back to the show.

Megan Tan 6:45

[silence] [driving sounds] I'm driving on a highway in my hometown, Columbus, Ohio. And I look to my left and see a building I've known for a really long time. It's a giant tower, made of this bright red brick that you can see for miles. It's my high school, Fort Hayes. I went to a public alternative performing arts high school, and so did Austin. That's where we got close. We played theater games together, did free writes. We would dance down the streets, rehearsing pieces that we would later perform in front of the whole school. We saw each other every day, in math class, at lunch. He became like a little brother to me. I would encourage him to do his homework when he didn't want to. And when I was too afraid to perform, he would encourage me to get outside my comfort zone.

Megan Tan 7:55

[car door slamming shut] What up, boo boo? Hiiii! You came to meee!

Megan Tan 8:03

Austin still lives in my hometown, Columbus, Ohio. And so when I was visiting to be with family, I also went to see him.

Megan Tan 8:12

Uh oh. People be calling me. I be trying to do things. [small laugh] Airplane Mode.

Austin Fehrenbach 8:16

[singing] Airplane Mode.

Megan Tan 8:18

Is that as a song title? [laughs] Uh, it could be catchy right? Eh, I think the Zillennials would like that.

Austin Fehrenbach 8:23

[singing] Gotta put it in the airplane mode. [Megan laughs and sings: Deh ne ne ne ne, neh neh!]

Megan Tan 8:29

At Fort Hayes, I was a dancer, and Austin was a singer. At 15 years old, his male Mariah dream was starting to come true. [Austin singing Touch the Sky in high school, and audience members shout with encouragement and excitement]

Austin Fehrenbach 8:50

We're performing the song and it's like, everyone's jaw is just kind of dropping. [audience: Woo! Sing, Austin!] Because it's like this little white boy with long blonde hair is belting out this R&B song by songstress, Alicia Keys. I don't know. It was this experience that I can't forget. And I won't forget because it was like a breakthrough for me. And it was where I said, I'm a performer now. [music swells]

Austin Fehrenbach 9:28

It gave me the realization that I can move people with my voice because before, it was such like a closeted act. Especially with the reaction of the audience of like, you know, hootin' and hollerin' and "You better sang, white boy!" And I gained that confidence. Like, okay, I can sing, but apparently I can also sang a little bit. [music swell] [sound of cassette being turned off, flipped and turned on]

Megan Tan 9:52

[music: Austin singing in high school] During his four years at Fort Hayes, Austin immersed himself in music and started recording his songs.

Austin Fehrenbach 10:11

And there would be, I think, especially probably weekends where I wouldn't notice the time flying by, but it would be seven or eight hours not eating, just like stacking vocal harmonies and like recording chords and just completing an entire song in one sitting.

Megan Tan 10:28

His second home was the choir classroom. His third home was the stage. And his music didn't just speak to him. It spoke to all of us. I remember this one song that he wrote and dedicated to my entire graduating class. [music swells, Austin sings: I loved you, dearly...] [music ends]

Megan Tan 10:55

I cried, during the whole performance. [cassette is stopped, flipped and played] [song begins]

Megan Tan 11:17

And then there's this song. [Austin sings Don't Want to Go There Alone]

Megan Tan 11:25

After Austin wrote it, he wanted to perform it at a student showcase. And he wanted it to be accompanied by a dance. So he asked me and encouraged me to do my first solo performance in front of the entire school. The stage became the place where we could be our truest selves, an outlet for all of us. [Austin's song continues: I don't want to go there alone...] [cassette stops] [music out]

Austin Fehrenbach 12:01

I've always been one to not live in the moment, because I'm a huge worrywart. But when I'm singing, or when I was singing, it was not that at all. It was like, temporary liberation from worry. It was a place where I could be confident, a place where I could literally just be.

Megan Tan 12:22

But it's also easy for us to get lost in our art. I remember there was this one night, I had just finished a dance performance. And even though Austin wasn't a dancer, he would support us. He would hang out with us after school, take photos for the department, sometimes run tech. And after the performance, Austin and I walk back to the car. It's late. [music: high pitched tone begins] And he's talking really fast. He's telling me that his mind has been running, he's been making music, he's been so inspired, he's loved the dance concert, and he's really excited, and he just wants to tell me. And I remember this because something was a little- off. [music: tone stops] [silence]

Megan Tan 13:12

What are some of your favorite songs that you wrote during high school?

Austin Fehrenbach 13:16

There's actually one that I, literally as you asked, I just remembered I wrote. And it kinda goes: [singing] You can have anything you want. You've got all the power. Anything you ask for, you will receive and anything you want to you will achieve-- I think it's just like the most sparkly song. It represents what I think I saw for my life at that point. It's like that pure adolescent spirit of like, you can do it! But in like this very gentle, ballad, beautiful, piano vocal rendition. That's just like, wow, he did that.

Megan Tan 13:57

Mmm. It's like you're right on the cusp. Like you're you're making something beautiful that you haven't made before, that is tapping into this infinite possibility. But it's like right before, right before there's going to be like a shift.

Austin Fehrenbach 14:14

A big transition. Yeah.

Megan Tan 14:15

Yeah. Right.

Megan Tan 14:16

[original music] Austin would experience a curveball, that would become his biggest detour. A detour that would take the love out of his love for music. [music out]

Emma Alabaster 14:40

Snooze will be back after the break.

Emma Alabaster 14:46

[theme music] Now, back to the show.

Austin Fehrenbach 14:53

[audio-Austin singing with his friend, Joyce] This is an ode to tater tots. [Joyce: Are you recording?] Yes. Let's share this with the world, Joyce. [Austin singing] Said she wants some tater tots. [Joyce laughs] And she wants 'em crunchy. Yes, she wants some tater tots. She don't want 'em soggy... [duck under]

Megan Tan 15:18

I graduated and then a year later, Austin graduated. He moved to Southern California, 3000 miles away from where we grew up, to go to college. At this small liberal arts college, he met two of his closest friends and collaborators, Justin and Joyce. Both of them would eventually graduate college and start working in the music industry in Los Angeles. [Austin and Joyce audio music swells] [music out]

Megan Tan 15:58

But at this time, Austin is met with something else. [phone ringing] [music: high pitched tone begins] I remember getting a phone call. It's late at night. One of Austin's friends is calling me to tell me that Austin is in his dorm room. And he won't come out.

Austin Fehrenbach 16:22

Barricading myself in my dorm room, and this is a four-story dorm room. So people are concerned when it gets a little later in the day.

Megan Tan 16:30

She's asking me if I can call him, because she knows how close we were. Call him, so I can calm him down, get him outside, have him at least open the door. [music builds]

Austin Fehrenbach 16:43

And I'm visualizing like the plants and the trees outside getting greener, and the clouds coming in different types of ways. And nature is taking over. And it's like, none of this is actually happening.

Megan Tan 16:57

I forget if the police are there, maybe it's the fire department. People are trying to understand what's going on.

Austin Fehrenbach 17:07

Deciding that mirrors will not be a thing in some new world that I'm envisioning, because oh, if you can't see yourself, then you can't compare yourself to others. And that judgment will be no longer there.

Megan Tan 17:19

From his four-story dorm, all of a sudden, there's a crash. Austin breaks one of his windows and starts throwing things out of it.

Austin Fehrenbach 17:34

Any clothes that are black and white solely, should not exist in whatever world we are entering, because black and white is not a real spectrum.

Megan Tan 17:45

People are at the door, but he's not letting them in, and he's not coming out. And then finally, maybe an hour or so later, he opens the door. [music out] [silence]

Megan Tan 18:05

And so then what happens after that?

Austin Fehrenbach 18:08

So that was my first hospitalization. Um, I think I spent about a week in a hospital in Orange County, California. Um. It was tough.

Megan Tan 18:21

At the hospital, they tell Austin he just had a bipolar episode.

Megan Tan 18:27

Do you remember the feeling? Like--

Austin Fehrenbach 18:29

Yes. So it's, it's like, you go from every other part of the year of a trickling stream to a rushing river. Um, [Megan: Of en- of energy?] and that's what it feels like. That's what it, yes, it's like, and it can even become physical, like you can feel the pulse in your veins through your, like your train of thought.

Megan Tan 18:54

A few days later, his mom flies from Ohio to California, picks him up and takes him home. At home in Ohio, Austin can no longer use music as an escape anymore, because he consumes it a little differently.

Austin Fehrenbach 19:14

I think that at this point, it was the beginning of listening to music in a way that wasn't necessary or necessarily healthy. Like, I think I was listening to Kid Cudi at some point and I'm like, in reality, he's just high writing lyrics, but I'm like, no, he's in touch with paranormals and extraterrestrials and givin' us signs about Maya 2012. [laughs] That's not real, but that's probably where I was. You know what I mean?

Megan Tan 19:47

His identity starts to change, and what makes Austin, Austin becomes a little blurry. [music: Trying to Get By - Austin] [music out]

Megan Tan 20:13

When you were younger, right? Music was a way for you to escape. And so I was wondering if, as you got older and went through this decade of dealing with bipolar, if it was hard for music to become that escape again?

Austin Fehrenbach 20:33

Um, it just became another layer to what was constantly going on with my, with my bipolar and my condition, in my day to day. So it's not like it was something that could take me out of it like I think music did for me a while during my childhood. It took me out of whatever I was going through as a kid, but I think it just became the soundtrack to this last decade. I think it just became something to accompany the chaos.

Megan Tan 21:02

[music: Haunted by the Past] And then something happened that changed his cycle of dealing with his own mental health, and also with his creative life.

Megan Tan 21:14

Where's your relationship with music now?

Austin Fehrenbach 21:18

So it really took a hit around the holiday season, I would say September, October, November of 2015, when-- I will call a rolling episode- bipolar episode began that basically lasted from those months of 2015 until March of 2016. The longest I ever experienced um, that sort of energy we talked about earlier. [Megan: Mmm hmm.] Um and eventually, in March of 2016, it came to a physical halt. I broke my ankle in seven pieces, and it put me on the couch for five months. And it just kind of changed my whole life.

Megan Tan 21:58

Being on the couch for five months, forces Austin to slow his life down. For the first time in a long time, he's stuck at home. And he has to reevaluate how he's gonna to heal now.

Austin Fehrenbach 22:16

The last episode I've had. So I'm over five years out from that.

Megan Tan 22:17

Wow.

Austin Fehrenbach 22:24

Well medic- well medicated. But um, [laughs] [music out]

Megan Tan 22:27

Congratulations, Austin.

Austin Fehrenbach 22:28

Thank you. Yeah, no, it's actually the longest I've gone ever, I think without any, any trouble there. Um, you wouldn't think that breaking a bone would like change your passion that you've been passionate about your entire life, but I think it was just everything adding up to that point. And, you know, it's not that I haven't been writing music, it's just that it hasn't been a focal point for me. And it's not something that I think about with joy. It's like, I've been somewhat broken, you know, physically broken and just emotionally broken. Um, so much good has happened since then. But it's like, the one thing that hasn't totally picked up again, is music.

Megan Tan 23:19

[car door slams] At Austin's house. Oh I'm so happy to see you!

Austin Fehrenbach 23:24

I am a homeowner.

Megan Tan 23:25

Oh my god!

Austin Fehrenbach 23:26

I'm a homo-ner.

Megan Tan 23:30

[laughing] You! That is so funny. Oh my gosh! Hi, Gerardo! [original music]

Gerardo 23:35

Well hello there.

Megan Tan 23:42

Oh my gosh! So good to see you! Oh my gosh!

Gerardo 23:43

Hi!

Megan Tan 23:44

Hi!

Gerardo 23:44

Welcome to my crib. [laughs]

Megan Tan 23:45

I knooowww! Oh my gosh, you guys. This is beautiful. Ohhh! I can't believe you have a photo of me on your refrigerator. [Gerardo laughs] Oh my god. So funny! That's how you know you're loved. Oh my gosh. [music out]

Megan Tan 24:06

Do you feel like when you were in high school, it was like music was your identity, you know? And then in your 20s, bipolar b-, all of a sudden became your identity? Um, and now it's like trying to create space for both of those spaces, to become a part of you again.

Austin Fehrenbach 24:30

That's actually a unique way of looking at it. I don't know that I ever have. But I think it's pretty accurate.

Austin Fehrenbach 24:37

Well, if I get my piano stool out and sit in front of my keyboard, and start writing a song, it's like, Who are you trying to be? You're not that guy anymore. Like you went through shit. You're shit. That's almost what's holding me back on some days from just doing the damn thing because it's like, I have everything I need. I have all the physical equipment I need. I have the ability. [original music] I think I have the talent you know, but it's just the spark isn't there, and there's so many songs that are started and not finished, you know, of mine, that just, they just need to be lit. [music swell] [music out]

Megan Tan 25:20

You don't have to repeat the behaviors that you have in the past. You don't have to like, manifest those right? It can be fun. I want it to be fun for you. I want it to be like candy. I want it to be like, you know, like you sitting down and instead of getting it right, I want you to focus on joy. You know?

Austin Fehrenbach 25:42

Focus on joy.

Megan Tan 25:44

Focus on joy.

Austin Fehrenbach 25:45

That's a life motto right there.

Megan Tan 25:47

Yes!

Austin Fehrenbach 25:48

Okay, here we go. Here we go. This is my first Snooze audio diary. This is Austin Fehrenbach. It is Saturday, November 13th, 2021 at 7:01 pm Eastern time here in Columbus, Ohio. So what I'm gonna do here shortly is um just play Always Be My Baby, my favorite song ever in the world. But you know, by Mariah Carey, just to state the obvious. Um just to get into the mood of music and vibes, and all of what that song makes me feel. So let's get this started. [Austin singing with Mariah- duck under]

Megan Tan 26:32

You're going to do it the Austin way, and you're going to do it the Austin way of who you are today. Before you do your vocals, I want you to have a ritual. Okay, you're gonna play-- What was it? Always be my baby?

Austin Fehrenbach 26:45

Literally.

Megan Tan 26:46

There we- Yes, you're gonna play it. It's gonna be you and Mariah. And you're gonna have fun. Maybe you warm up your vocals as you sing with her. Right?

Austin Fehrenbach 26:55

That's great. That's great. [Megan: Okay.] That's a different way to do music for me. [laughs]

Megan Tan 27:24

Yeah! [Austin sings, music swells] [music fades out]

Austin Fehrenbach 27:24

Yes! Okay. That was everything. [takes a breath] All right, so this is where it gets real. I'm actually going to open my file. Um, Feel the Flame is the song that we are working on. First time opening it since February, almost nine full months. So here we go. We're opening it. Wow, I could have had a baby. [laughs] Well, never had the parts for that. We can get a little preview of the instrumental that we're working with. So here we go... [Feel the Flame instrumental music] [Austin riffing over the track] Gotta put like a stank face on it when you do it. [music continues]

Megan Tan 28:23

Going to call Austin Fehrenbach. [ringing]

Austin Fehrenbach 28:25

Hellooo.

Megan Tan 28:36

Oh my god, can you hear me? [laughing]

Austin Fehrenbach 28:39

Yes.

Megan Tan 28:41

How did it go? What happened?

Austin Fehrenbach 28:42

I really just sat down. I just sat down and did it. And the best part was like, randomly coming up with like, vocal parts, like all the stacks and the harmonies and the [Megan: Yes.] backgrounds of the verses. [Megan: Yay!] So that was a lot of fun.

Megan Tan 28:55

So you, and you just had fun?

Austin Fehrenbach 28:58

I did. Yeah.

Megan Tan 28:59

Yay! Austin!

Austin Fehrenbach 29:02

Yes. I think it took a little while for me to like, officially feel like I was doing well at it. [Megan: Mmm hmm.] Because it has been so long. Like it literally took me probably like half an hour, 45 minutes just to record the first part and [Megan: Mmm.] be happy with it. [Megan: Mmm.] But it kind of just went really fast after that.

Megan Tan 29:26

Wow. [music out]

Megan Tan 29:29

[ambient outdoor sounds, getting into car] Okie dokie... [singing softly] Now I'm getting into the car going down the street. There is some corn in the backyard [laughing] of this person's house, and I could see it over their fence. Is that very Ohio? I'm so happy for Austin and Gerardo. [highway noise] They're in the middle of completing the other pieces of their lives. And I feel honored to be able to be on their refrigerator [laughs] and encourage them as I drive through my old hometown, [sings] Columbus, Ohio, where I grew up.

Megan Tan 30:16

[original music] On a chilly day in December, Austin sits down in front of his computer and does something that has taken him two years to complete.

Austin Fehrenbach 30:39

So here we go, logging into SoundCloud, going to the upload section. Okie dokie. And it's ready. Click Save to post this track. Here we go. 11:24 pm on Friday, December 17, 2021. Feel the Flame is going live. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Augie Stacks, Feel the Flame, lyrics written by Austin Fehrenbach. There it's there. Upload complete. Go to your track. Awesome! [Feel the Flame starts] Oh, it's playing. That means that [he lowers volume] it works so I'll just... [music: Feel the Flame plays] [duck under]

Austin Fehrenbach 32:27

The fact that I tapped into my passion again after so long, I think is allowing me to feel a little bit more at ease, like, I'm working on this other um, newer song. And like, I'm singing it everyday, like at my desk at work in between taking calls, I'm like singing the different harmonies that I want to like layer, and so it's like- but I think before I was like just in a rush, so it's- I, I feel like I'm at ease and feeling more free with my voice and my abilities. [music: Feel the Flame out]

Emma Alabaster 33:02

[theme music] This episode of Snooze was produced by me, Emma Alabaster. I also did the sound design and creative and original music. It was written by me and Megan Tan, edited by Erick Galindo, who also did the fact checking. It was mixed and engineered by Donald Paz. Jessica Pilot is our talent producer. Erick Galindo is our showrunner. Megan Tan is our host. Our producers are Marina Pena and me, Emma Alabaster. Our associate producer is Kyle Chang. Antonia Cereijido and Leo G are the executive producers. Our theme song is by Wayan Dopeman. Andrew Eapen wrote and composed the original music for the show. Feel the Flame was written and sung by Austin Fehrenbach and produced by Justin Sandoval who also goes by APHTA. That's A-P-H-T-A. Austin also wrote, produced and sung the majority of the songs you heard throughout this episode. You can listen to more of Austin's music by searching Augie Stacks on SoundCloud. That's Augie A-U-G-I-E Stacks S-T-A-C-K-S. Make sure you hit follow, like, and subscribe to Snooze wherever you get your podcasts. You can follow Megan on Twitter or Instagram @meganleetan, and the show @snoozepodcast. Our website on LAist.com is designed by Andy Cheatwood and the digital marketing team, who also created our brand. Snooze is a production of LAist Studios. Thanks to the team over there, including Taylor Coffman, Kristen Hayford, Sabir Brara, Kristen Muller, Andy Orozco, Michael Cosentino and Leo G.

Erick Galindo 34:45

Support for this podcast is made possible by Gordon and Dona Crawford, who believe that quality journalism makes Los Angeles a better place to live. This program is made possible in part by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, a private corporation funded by the American people.

Emma Alabaster 35:02

If you like Snooze, rate and review us on Apple podcasts. Trust me, it really helps us out and we would love to know what you think. And if you love the show for real, become a sustaining member of KPCC and LAist Studios. Go to LAist.com/membership. Support the place that makes this work possible and supports people like me. I'm Emma Alabaster and thanks for listening. [music out]

Megan Tan 35:36

[music: Storm and Drive by Joya] On the next episode of Snooze, I talk to my mom, Susan, one of the wisest people I know.

Susan Tan 35:46

So it was me bringing out my inner core strengths to say, you can do this, you know, just be careful. Just take your time. Just be conscious of what your body is doing and you'll be fine.

Megan Tan 36:04

And my niece, Jillian, a 12 year old, old soul-

Jillian 36:09

Time is like a river. You can't go back into the past.

Megan Tan 36:13

About how they encourage themselves when life gets a little choppy. I'm Megan Tan-- and thanks for listening. [music out]

Transcribed by https://otter.ai