If you talk to friends who are interested in dating, you’re probably hearing the same trope: Dating in L.A. sucks.
“He’s just a player.” “This person ghosted me.” “She unmatched me.” “Everyone is weird on the apps.” “He lives ALL the way on the west side.” The list goes on.
It’s true, dating in L.A. — or any big city — can be tough. People often come to L.A. with high aspirations, and that doesn’t always include marriage and kids.
“A lot of people come to L.A. with a dream and the dream is not to get married and settle down and make babies and build a traditional life,” says Damona Hoffman, dating coach and author of the advice book, F The Fairy Tale. “That dream is always going to come ahead of your dating and relationship experience, at least to a point.”
But, she adds, she has plenty of clients who have found love in L.A. — be it online or IRL. But in this dating climate, you have to be a bit strategic.
The first step is to lose the negative script you might have about dating going on in your head. Instead, approach dating and love in the City of Angels with a little more optimism and openness.
“These stories that we tell ourselves, they really get in our head and they really get in our way,” Hoffman says. Don’t turn to horrible experiences as the only possible experiences — try to stop your brain from looking for that.
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Finding mister, misses or mx right is important for some. And one way folks are giving “love in a hopeless place” a shot is through speed dating.
Speed dating is kind of a rapid, round-robin approach to meeting people. We will get more into the “how” later but it has risen in popularity in recent years in L.A. and other major cities.
The idea is to create space for people to meet in person, in real life, and engage in face-to face-conversation — a rather novel concept in our hyper digital world.
There’s a number of places in L.A. where you can sign up for events — CitySwoon, My Cheeky Dates, LA First Dates — but on a recent weeknight, How to LA producer Megan Botel and I checked out a matchmaking event hosted by Love in LA in the arts district downtown.
There are speed dating events for people of all ages and gender identities but this one was for straight men and women, ages 21-35, held at a cozy French-inspired lounge.
There were all sorts of attendees from diverse backgrounds, varying ages hanging out before the event officially kicked off. Many people lingered around the bar, getting some liquor courage or snacks before the speed dating portion of the night. It seemed like folks were already meeting and getting to know each other.
We talked to attendees before they went off on their first date. One woman said she was eager to find a “real connection,” another said she just wanted to have fun.
Love in LA COO David Greenberg, being a good host, chatted with folks to help ease their nerves. He recognized a couple of familiar faces, past attendees, and welcomed newbies.
The good thing about you're all being here is you all have the same intention, which is meeting somebody, by simply showing up.
"It's way better and a lot harder than just swiping right or swiping left," he later joked. “No (online) trolls here."
That’s part of the message here, kinda like the anti-digital/app dating experience. It was a curated in-person event, with an agenda to find a connection, an Instagram exchange, a meet-cute or even a friend.
Brandon, a dater who had been here before but didn’t want to give his last name, said hanging out in person is better than texting.
I'm kind of socially awkward, so it's easier when someone's forced to talk to me.
Each company is slightly different but typically you buy a ticket online for an event. If you are going with Love in LA, this is what to do: Folks will go to the website, pay for their $35 per ticket and fill out a short survey with answers that will seat them, ideally, with a good match.
Once at the venue, people check in and the host will figure out the women to men ratio in order to set up the rounds. (Greenberg says that usually more women attend the straight events.)
Attendees have seven minutes with each date, with 10 rounds or so. The host will ring a cowbell that will signal the next round and folks can choose right away if the person was a match or not. This is done via an app that Greenberg created.
At the end of the night, folks will receive messages about their matches and contact information.
The rest is up to them.
The process is similar across all the events with a few adjustments. On another night, Meg and I also went to a speed dating night for gay men, ages 21 to 40, at The Belmont Bar in West Hollywood.
At this event, the guys’ matches are a little more analog. They fill out a profile before speed dating, the host creates seating arrangements and they’re given a paper with table numbers.
As they mingle, they write down the man’s name and turn it in at the end of the night — they must signal that they are interested in the John Doe they met. A couple hours later, the host sends them a message with their matches.
“It's a little bit different when we create the matches for any type of LGBTQIA+ event because it's not as binary,” noted Love in LA founder Andrea Ramirez. “When we're getting into the LGBTQ community, there's just a lot more variety and a lot of options and gender identities and gender expressions.”
There’s also preferences when it comes to the bedroom, and that can play a factor in dating.
At the gay men event, the crowd was also diverse — different ages, backgrounds, transplants and homegrown folks.
During a break, one attendee, Mike, said the setting wasn’t out of the ordinary, at least for him.
“I felt like this would probably be a great place to meet other working professionals that are also single and looking for something else in their love life,” he said.
Regardless of background, there were definitely some commonalities across all the groups. For one, folks were speed dating because dating apps weren’t a great experience.
“During the pandemic, daters became very reliant on dating apps because it really was the only way that you could make a connection in many situations,” says F the Fairy Tale author Hoffman. “We really leaned into dating apps, but we're too reliant on digital communication.”
Within the LGBTQ+ community, online dating has always been popular. It’s easier to chat with people online when you’re still learning about yourself and aren’t able to express your sexuality as freely, Hoffman says. She’s referring to Grindr and Jack’d, and old websites like Adam for Adam and BGC Live that catered to queer sex and relationships.
But still, queer folks are craving different connections, away from the taps and apps.
“There has now been a sort of an outcry from singles that they really are craving that in-person interaction, and that has paved the way for speed dating to return,” Hoffman says.
The other thing that seems clear: People were just having fun, meeting people and talking, even if they did not walk away with a match.
As Meg said about her experience at the event for straight folks: “It feels like community. Even if you don’t come to meet a guy, all the girls here … are single so you can bond over being a single gal and vice versa.”
We aren't mental health professionals, please reach out to therapists or psychologists if you need further help with relationships or loneliness. Here's a website to help you find more resources.
As we mentioned, Love in LA isn’t the only company putting on these events. At least two people I know were considering going to neighborhood hangout spots to spend Valentine’s Day and try out speed dating.
After Meg and I hung out at our two speed dating events, and chatting with Hoffman, Greenberg and others, we put together of a list of things to think about if you want to try it yourself.
How to LA producer Megan Botel contributed to this story.
